


Questions That Can't Be Answered

by Written_prose_things



Series: Promise'Verse [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Simon tries to get over the mage's death, baz being a sweetheart, inspired by something my roommate said to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Written_prose_things/pseuds/Written_prose_things
Summary: PROMPT: Simon has nightmares about The Mage, and Baz tries to help him overcome them. This is right after they've started uni.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Promise'Verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615396
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Questions That Can't Be Answered

The hurt comes and goes in waves-

No, it hits him like someone else is _going off_ in his vicinity, an invisible and unpredictable punch to his chest, making him double up and leaving him tired for the rest of the day.

The trial committee says that he didn’t kill The Mage. But he feels like he did. He said the words that ended him.

News slowly trickles out now, about The Mage’s shady deals. It makes Simon miss him less, but also more. They might not know what he wanted, but The Mage had some grand scheme in mind, some big picture that he wanted to see, that he dedicated his entire life to.

It does hurt many people to realize The Mage’s true colours; Premal’s locked in his room most days, not speaking to anyone unless necessary. As though he’s waiting for someone to swoop in and scream “I told you so” at him.

But all this hurts Simon more than it does most other people. The Mage wasn’t the first thing others associated with Magick. No one knew what it felt like to be his heir, to carry that legacy.

Sometimes, Simon was thankful that he gave his Magick to the Humdrum because The Mage had _dirtied_ Magick for him, it hurt to think about it. Simon didn’t think he could have survived this- this nightmare, if he had still had his Magick.

\-------

It was the last lecture before the weekend when the grief hit Simon again. The substitute professor looked exactly like The Mage, and Simon couldn’t handle it. He picked up his book bags and dashed out of the hall, ignoring the professor entirely.

When he finally made it to the flat, he expected it to be empty, allowing him to sort through his thoughts before having to put on a show for Baz or Penny. It wasn’t that the pair of them expected him to behave in a certain way, or even that that they pressured him.

Simon was extremely confused by his emotions. He didn’t want to put his feeling out there, before everyone.

But whichever higher power existed, clearly wasn’t on his side. Baz was in the flat, cooking something. He quickly turned around when Simon walked in, giving him a small smile. Simon tried to return the smile, but he was just too tired, and it showed in his expression.

When Penny returned to the flat after her classes, debate club and society work, the three of them sat in front to the telly. Even Penny was tired enough to not talk as they ate Baz’s cooking.

When dinner was done, and all the dishes cleaned, Simon made his way towards his room, and Baz followed him. Having shared a room all through school, the couple rarely asked each other if they could spend the night.

But Simon was dead on his feet, so they didn’t indulge in anything. The pair changed quickly, and entered the bed, cuddling together and drifting off to sleep.

\-----

When Simon wakes up, it’s still dark outside, he’s clutching Baz’s cold hands, and Baz is shushing him. The nightmare feels so real.

_The Mage had walked into his room. He had asked Simon to come with him. He had had the most wicked glint in his eyes._

Simon sits up quickly, “You’re okay?”

Baz whispers, “It’s alright Love. It was just a dream.”

Simon sighs, trying to let go of Baz’s hands, but his boyfriend holds onto both his wrists in his left hand, “I know that. Doesn’t mean it didn’t feel real.”

Baz flusters, “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that-”

Simon cuts across, “It’s alright. Let’s just, go back to sleep. It’s okay.”

Baz stares into his eyes, “Simon, that’s the last thing that _this_ is. This- this waking up in a cold sweat, with nightmares- it’s not okay.”

Simon sets his jaw and stares back at him stubbornly.

Baz sighs and adds, pity slipping through with the words, “Didn’t you tell me, that it’s okay… to not be okay? That all feelings are okay?”

Simon turns to face his boyfriend, narrowing his eyes (Baz calls it his fighting stance), “If I remember correctly, you told me off for pitying you that day.”

Baz runs his right hand through his hair, adding slowly, “This isn’t _pity_.”

Simon levels him with a dead stare, cocking his eyebrow. Baz admits what both of them know, “Alright, maybe I’m feeling sorry for what you’re going through.”

Not a true admission, but close enough. Simon lies down, “Okay. Can we go to sleep?”

Baz nods, and spoons him from the back, drawing patterns between his shoulder-blades.

Simon sighs, staying quiet, but sleep evades him.

Finally, Baz asks, whispering “What’s troubling you, darling? You’ve been quiet all day. Just let know how I can help.”

Simon turns over to lie on his other side, staring into Baz’s beautiful grey eyes, that seem to shimmer in the dark. He replies just as quietly, “It’s about The Mage…”

Baz lifts his eyebrow; they don’t usually talk about him with each other.

Simon continues, “He came here, in my dream. He put you away. He told he’d come to take me with him. I don’t know if I want to go with him.”

Baz nodded as Simon fumbled with is words, “I – I mean, I wanted you back.” Simon patted the bed, “here with me, but I might go with him. Is it – like, I know he’s a horrible person- but what if- what if I’m not sure? What I still have to think about going with him?”

Baz nodded, this was his thinking face when he tried to explain something in the easiest way possible. Simon knew he was in for a long conversation.

Baz started, “Simon, you know that not all people are plain bad or plain good right?”, and he continued without an answer, “The Mage… he might not have been the best person, but you did have good times with him, yeah?”

Simon interrupted, “But, he always wanted something. He wanted me to get him something, always. Like it was a game like I was just a machine.”

Baz nodded and continued, “I get that but, all those feelings are being applied backwards right? At that moment, you felt happy, didn’t you? When he was proud of you? When everyone looked up to you for being The Mage’s Heir?”

Simon managed a small smile at this. Baz added, “Tell me something.”

Simon looked at him quizzically, “About what?’

Baz added, “About any of those moments, when you were happy with him.”

Simon started, “That time in the fifth year-”

Baz interrupted, “No, not a big one. Tell me about a moment, that just the both of you shared?”

Simon nodded, “Well, in the second year, when it became clear that I was going to have to fight all these dark creatures, _without_ my Magick, The Mage had me practice with his men.”

Baz nodded, and Simon continued, a small smile playing on his lips as he remembered what had happened, “I used the sword properly for the first time that day. I didn’t have any real feelings for the sword till then, it was the same as my wand. But I guess, everything was down to pure luck that day, The Mage came in to watch us all practice, and I won the match I was playing. That was the first time that the sword seemed to listen to me. The Mage was also quite happy, he’d told me _Simon, my boy, we’ll make a good saviour out of you yet._ ”

Simon thought of the context for his actions, which must have been visible of his face. Baz used his left hand to smooth out the crinkles on his forehead, adding, “Love, don’t think about anything else, just think about how happy you were. You were happy that day, right?”

Simon nodded and tried to wipe his eyes as tears formed in them, “Yes, and that’s what makes it so difficult. I can’t hate him.”

Baz nodded, and said, “No one expects you to denounce the man, Simon. He acted like your father-figure. Sure, he wasn’t the best at it, but he was there, wasn’t he? And you were happy with him.”

Simon nodded as Baz continued, “Simon, there’s no way of getting him back to answer your questions, you really can’t go looking for closure from him now. All you can do is remember the good times you had. Recall those memories when you were truly happy; when you felt like you could conquer the world.”

Baz wiped Simon’s tears, which were flowing freely as he sniffled, “Simon, darling, tainting your memories, with what you know now, it isn’t going to make anything better or easier. You’ll always have to carry what that man did with you. But maybe, you can keep your memories intact? I know you want to know what The Mage did, but you can’t go looking for questions that can’t be answered. You’ll only feel much worse.”

Simon nodded and burrowed into the juncture between Baz’s shoulder and neck. Baz petted his hair softly, and hummed a tune, drawing Simon back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I would LOVE any and all prompts and suggestions. Just head on over to my Tumblr: @written-prose-things


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